the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
