i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
