i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
