I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
