and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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