He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
