i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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