Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
