Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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