There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
