oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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