i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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