I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
