Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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