just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
