Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
