I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
