Jerry, you need to find god
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dicks are not precious.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
