His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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