She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
