I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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