tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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