I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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