I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
