apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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