I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
