I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
