She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
