I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
