Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
