he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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