im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
