Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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