Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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