I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
