Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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