I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
