my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
