guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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