my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
