Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
