umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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