Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You can't special order awesome
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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