Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
