she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
