I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
