i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
