Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
