you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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