I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
