6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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