I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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